I have trouble sleeping. I can't seem to put my head down at night without things crowding around this noggin of mine. Sometimes I think I hear things, things that make my heart skip a beat each and every time. But then again, it might just be my brain playing tricks on me, just another way it deceives me into not thinking about the things that are really keeping me wide awake.
Like the fact that I am approaching 25, and I have yet to achieve anything worthwhile. It bothers me that I am still at university at this age, whilst friends and acquaintances have already had a start to their working lives. Some are married, heck, some even have kids. I know I can't change things, and I can't replace the two years of being lost in the wild. All the same, it haunts me. I am consumed by the need to constantly prove that I am not dumb. Somehow, I have trouble believing that, even when confronted with evidence to the contrary.
I am a proud man. I admit that. Pride is the thing that drives me on, I suppose. Too much pride, however, is to a certain degree my weakness. When I fail, when I lose, it haunts me, like a line from a song that irritates the heck out of you but you just can't seem to shake it off your mind (think Cheeky Girls). I've got to start learning how to let go.
What is this that I fear?
Anonymous disquietude,
Pervasive yet obscure,
All-consuming,
Never-ending,
A dull ache,
To a torrid roar.
I think I fear failure most of all.
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