*deep breath*
Got a rejection from KPMG today. That in itself didn't hurt so bad. The feedback was long-winded, full of sometimes conflicting statements (e.g. I appear to avoid taking responsibility vs. I operate better alone or with a small team) but the essence of it was.. I'm crap.
I hate it when you judge me on the basis of an interview. One lousy interview and you think you can say confidently that I'm aloof, that I'm unable to work in a team environment, that I can't accept other people's ideas, that I haven't talked to those working in the field I'm aiming for, that I'm not sufficiently motivated for the job.
Who the hell do you think you are, KPMG?
*Another deep breath*
On the plus side, it seems that I'm commercially sound etc etc. Shows how much you actually know about me, you wanker.
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
Friday, March 25, 2005
NEW AGE SENSITIVE MAN (YUCK)
"Hi. My name is Ahmad. I'm a sensitive man."
"Hi Ahmad!" echoed the room full of recovering sensitive men. We then proceeded to talk about our experiences, what makes us tick the way we do, what we do to overcome our problems. And then we all gather around for a nice big ol' group hug, and finish with big mugs of hot chocolate each.
Obviously there's no such thing as a Sensitivics (huh??) Anonymous, but if one did exist, this would probably be what I have to say:
I was born sensitive. Being sensitive isn't such a bad thing. I can empathise with people at times, and I can understand where a person is coming from better than most others. But it also means that I get hurt easily; that may not be such a bad thing when you're a kid, because obviously your parents would never set out to harm you. But as I grew older, many things have happened that have shaped the way I thought, the way I felt. Things that made it worse at times, that basically shaped my personality as a somewhat insecure person, an easily-depressed cynic who is self-critical to a point of obsession. Some other things made me better, I suppose. Those other things taught me the ability to survive, to not care about what people say, to erect an emotional barrier impenetrable in most circumstances.
I know how hard it can be to be around a person like me. Trust me. Nowadays it's getting better. I still experience those weird moments when friends don't really know what to say, the 'awkward silence' as they put it, but it's not so often now. I wonder why it is that the silence gets really awkward. Maybe it's because of that hurt look I have plastered on my face. Maybe it's because I just lapse into my own thoughts of anguish and insecurity. Maybe because that God-awful grimace that passes off for a smile in those circumstances is just that... God-awful. In any case, for all those moments, let me just say that I'm sorry. And for sticking by me despite all that, I thank you. From the bottom of my oh-so-fragile heart.
As I said, it's getting better. I'll try my best to be less sensitive, and as someone recently said, I need to harden up. I need to act like a real man.
A real man doesn't cry.
"Hi Ahmad!" echoed the room full of recovering sensitive men. We then proceeded to talk about our experiences, what makes us tick the way we do, what we do to overcome our problems. And then we all gather around for a nice big ol' group hug, and finish with big mugs of hot chocolate each.
Obviously there's no such thing as a Sensitivics (huh??) Anonymous, but if one did exist, this would probably be what I have to say:
I was born sensitive. Being sensitive isn't such a bad thing. I can empathise with people at times, and I can understand where a person is coming from better than most others. But it also means that I get hurt easily; that may not be such a bad thing when you're a kid, because obviously your parents would never set out to harm you. But as I grew older, many things have happened that have shaped the way I thought, the way I felt. Things that made it worse at times, that basically shaped my personality as a somewhat insecure person, an easily-depressed cynic who is self-critical to a point of obsession. Some other things made me better, I suppose. Those other things taught me the ability to survive, to not care about what people say, to erect an emotional barrier impenetrable in most circumstances.
I know how hard it can be to be around a person like me. Trust me. Nowadays it's getting better. I still experience those weird moments when friends don't really know what to say, the 'awkward silence' as they put it, but it's not so often now. I wonder why it is that the silence gets really awkward. Maybe it's because of that hurt look I have plastered on my face. Maybe it's because I just lapse into my own thoughts of anguish and insecurity. Maybe because that God-awful grimace that passes off for a smile in those circumstances is just that... God-awful. In any case, for all those moments, let me just say that I'm sorry. And for sticking by me despite all that, I thank you. From the bottom of my oh-so-fragile heart.
As I said, it's getting better. I'll try my best to be less sensitive, and as someone recently said, I need to harden up. I need to act like a real man.
A real man doesn't cry.
Sunday, March 13, 2005
ANGER MANAGEMENT
I need to cool off somewhere, somehow. When I'm angry everything seems a blur, and thoughts, rational ones at least, don't come easily. But when I cool down, all that is left to say is usually this:
I'm sorry.
So what's the point?
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