.:A trip down memory lane:.

Bumped into someone I haven’t met for a long time today. Fariz. A nice guy. A very nice guy. We used to play footie together when I was in LSE. We played our hearts out during the Nottingham games, but never did manage to get past the first round… I still remember his words, “Kita tak pernah lepas ni sebab kita semua tak tau membezakan antara shoot dan pass”. Wise words indeed. =)

Seriously though, seeing him brought back plenty of memories. To be honest, I haven’t given the matter much thought lately, but the knowledge that he was working in CSFB brought me shuddering back to reality. Suddenly I remembered the pain, suddenly I remembered how it hurt so bad… so bad. The days when I stood at a knife’s edge, between sanity and eternal damnation, as I stared down the dark abyss that stood beneath my 15th floor balcony.

But, with the pain came salvation. When all light had seemingly dimmed, when all hope had seemingly failed, in steps your true friends. The ones that had been happy for you when you were happy, and the ones that backed you up when you were down. I remember Yazmin and Azie driving down to Melaka to try and help me out. I remember Azie inviting me to her grandma’s birthday, just so I wouldn’t get so lonely on a weekend. I remember Nadia and Apai telling me that my-ex was just a teenager in an adult body and not worth my time. I remember Joe Azril insisting on going for dinner with me sometimes… even though I hadn’t seen him for ages. I remember Gosh calling me up for breakfast regularly, and watching EPL on the big flat-screen TV in the TNB control room. I remember Muiz and Aizat and Butet and me playing 2-on-2 football, something I’ve never done before, and later chatting the night away at a mamak stall in Sri Petaling.

I remember these things, and I feel like shedding a tear. Not out of sadness for what has happened, although indubitably it was really sad. No. The tears that I shed will be out of love for my friends, out of happiness for having these people in my life. I may not say it very often, guys, but I love you. I really do.

Thank you.

.:Ermm... whuzzat??:.

According to The Star today...

Amber Chia, famed Malaysian model, talking about her role in the upcoming moviePossessed: "I will be playing a model possessed by another model who had committed suicide."

Hmm... even in the afterlife she can't play anyone but herself.

Oh, be nice, Ahmad!

.:Back at work:.

Dear readers,

Alop!! How are you? Hope you guys enjoyed your long break from work. I just love Malaysia..It's the only country in the world where you can get multiple holidays all crowded together, like sardines in a.. errmm.. sardine can.

damn it.. I need to work on my metaphors if I'm ever gonna make it as a yuppie writer-wannabe.

I'm back at my desk, people. For the first time in a long while, I'm actually happy to start the day. I realised this morning that I'm actually in a good place. Okay, apart from the fact that my apartment block is none-too-safe (what with the burglaries and muggings recently and the weirdly-affectionate guy on the seventh floor - who I've not bumped into for a long time, thankfully), other things are going great. Personal life's sorted out (I'm madly in love again. yes, Nadia.. Yes, Min... I know, I know. I can't help it. When I love, I really do love. It's never a lukewarm thing when it comes to me... maybe it's just due to the Italian blood flowing through my veins - uwekk!!). Job's going great (though a payrise would be most welcome.. ehem..). I'm pretty healthy, I think, although the tummy could use a little less flab and a little more hard-bound muscle.. sigh... the burdens of a sedentary lifestyle.

Oh. I know something which could be worked on, actually. I miss my friends. I miss Gosh, Mizan, Dol, Nad, Apai, Min, Azie, Novan, Joe Azril, Apai (2), Muiz, Meon, Mouse, Aizat etc etc.. Haven't seen them for some time. Some of them I'll be seeing tonight for futsal, but the rest (especially the "Econs class" gang.. plus Azie and Novan), I'll probably have to work something out. Yeah, they've got families now. It just won't do to bother them with my bachelorly antics. Sigh... The burdens of being an emotionally-aware man.

By the way, my car (a.k.a. MBE7515 a.k.a. The Rebound a.k.a. Da Chick Magnet - according to joe) is permanently stabled in melaka now, till I find a better place to live in. Am now a little impaired in the mojo department (not that I need it, lah!)

It's great to be alive. =) Alhamdulillah.

See ya!

Regards,

Ahmad "I ain't got no blender!" Abdul-Halim

.:O the pain, the pain!:.

Note: This is an entry which has a lot to do with urine. If your disposition is of the rather more fragile nature, please feel free to navigate to another site, like google.com. Otherwise, just bear with me, and I'll try not to gross you out. No guarantees though.

Oh and the toilet's the first door on the left, should you feel the need to hurl.



Dear readers,

been a while huh? Sorry for the gap in posts. Been busy, the world moved around too fast etc etc and all the usual excuses. The fact of the matter is that I really didn't feel like blogging, maybe partly because I've found myself a great friend, who's a great sounding wall as well. You know who you are, dear.

Anyway, for the sake of those who keep track of me through this blog, I shall now attempt to summarize what's been happening over the past couple of weeks. Post-holiday blues crept up on me as soon as I resumed my desk duties soon after the holidays. Bumped into HER a couple of times on a single day, but I unsurprisingly felt that I wasn't missing much. Which was always a good sign. =P

Woke up the day before Raya Qurban intending to fast, as the sunnah indicated. I then somehow did not manage to eat anything nor have a single drop to drink for sahur. By lunchtime, I was feeling the familiar pangs of my renal colic disorder working its way towards ruining my day. Decided to leave by 5 pm and make my way home. By 7, I was in extreme pain. I decided then that I wasn't willing to spend the night in pain, but the problem was that my parents were not going to be able to come to KL to treat the damned thing, the next day being Raya and all. So what did I decide to do? I optimistically (or egotistically, being the macho man that I perceive myself to be, often only in times when I know I am SOO not that type) told myself that I could drive back to Melaka on my own after swallowing a couple of painkillers. Big mistake.

By the time I reached Serdang, I had to stop at each and every R&R just to lie back and groan in pain. Yes, it must not have been a very pretty sight, judging from the women hurrying away whenever they passed by my car and happened to glance inside at what seemed to be a man writhing and moaning. And grabbing his crotch. For good reasons of course. Honest!

All jokes aside, though, I was in so much pain I was afraid I was going to faint from the exhaustion. And let me assure you, fainting whilst driving is almost assuredly fatal. It was the scariest, not to mention most painful, period of my life.

Want to know how painful it was? Imagine, if you will, having a full bladder but being unable to pass urine. For hours. Add to that the pain similar but greater in magnitude to that you frequently experience when you run too fast too quickly, without a proper warm-up. You know, the throbbing pain you get on the sides of your abdomen. Yeah, THAT one. Once you've got an idea of what I'm talking about, you'll understand what I went through for three darned hours. (Yes it took me that long to drive back to Malacca, toll-to-toll).

I was glad, though, for I had the support of all the people I loved. My parents called me every half-hour, just to make sure I was okay. They waited at the Alor Gajah toll and gave me some jab on on the behind which knocked me out for the rest of the night. Farah called and messaged every so often... she was so worried at one point I thought she was about to cry.

Well, to cut a long story short, I'm now safe and sound. Went for a conference in S'pore from Wed to Friday, and am now in Malacca typing this. Oh, and my car's been fixed. It's almost as good as new now, but I ain't complaining. =)

Take care!

Regards,

Ahmad

.:Christmas weekend:.

Dear readers,

what a weekend! Is it just me, or is my life just chock-full of dramatic moments? To start off, I got into an accident on Saturday morning. I was stopping at a traffic light not two minutes from my kampung, when this speeding Proton failed to stop and whcaked into the rear end of my 5-month-old car. The result of that particular match-up:





Unfortunately, the driver of the Proton ended up in hospital, probably with fractured ribs. Let's hope he gets better (and that he has insurance - else I might have to sue him).

Am driving my old battered Wira again until they get the BMer's bumper replaced. Well, I guess takde rezeki lah kan? =) Farah was so worried when she heard the news; she couldn't get through to me, which I guess made it worse for her. Sorry, dear.

Gosh got married over the weekend. Congratulations, dude! I'm so happy for you. You deserve all the happiness in the world for being such a great friend, and I wish you two all the very best for your upcoming journey together. Pity i didn't take any photos of you two; I was too engrossed with Laila & Kamal's baby, Sakinah.. She's so adorable!



Well, I guess that's it. Life's great, innit? =)

Regards,

Ahmad

.:I have time to do these things.. Wow!:.

Dear readers,

It's so weird to be the only one in the office (apart from the nice cleaner lady who by the way treats me like a son). I guess it gives me time to reflect on what has been a turbulent year for me.

I never knew I'd be sitting here typing this back in January. Back in January, I still had my life all planned out. I was going to get married to the woman I've loved since 2001, the person I had been betrothed to since 2002, the person I had trusted the most, my best friend, my life. I was doing my courseworks, my thesis, studying hard, trying to make the grade, trying to build a life so I could make her & and the family I'll have happy and secure.

In February, I discovered that what you thought was a white lie, one you made simply to protect the feelings of your loved ones, may end up hurting them the most.

March seemed to fly by quickly, at least after I've managed (or so I thought) to apologise for my mistake. It was in this month I think, that I found out that she had to have surgery to remove an ovarian cyst. was so worried but she told me it was just a minor op. With the benefit of hindsight (such a useless tool in my opinion), I should've rushed back to Malaysia to be with her (and maybe I should've brought along a hockey stick or some other blunt and potentially-death-dealing instrument), but I believed her words, then. How foolish of me.

In April, i was struggling to study and to complete my by-now-approaching-mythical-proportions thesis. i was shooting back and forth from my study desk to the National Archives to the British Library for those rare books and manuscripts.

In May, i sat for my exams. Felt sick and tired of US Constitutional Law but persevered anyway. Su-Yin called to see whether I wanted an interview for my current job. I went through the whole shebang and managed to secure the job, obviously.

In June, I discovered that she actually had one of her ovaries removed. i freaked out, obviously. Felt guilty about not being there. Rushed home as soon as I could. I thought I was coming home to my best friend, but in truth I felt as if i was not needed in her life, as if Iw as no longer important. Many fights ensued, mainly because I could not understand what was going on.

In July, my world fell apart. Enough said.

In August, I came back to work. Put my head down and worked my ass off. Kept telling myself that I will never break. Not for anyone.

In September, I met Farah. Well, I didn't exactly meet her. One should never doubt the effectiveness of the Internet as a means of connecting two people who have never heard of each other before, eh Nads? Experienced the best Ramadhan I've ever had. Alhamdulillah.

Throughout October - November, I was happy, because I've found someone who I think would be perfect for me, with the perfect mix of sass, humility, positivity and faith. But I was afraid that I might not be good enough for her.

In December, I found out I was wrong. =) Thanks, dear.

That's my yearly review over and done with. On the news front, I've developed renal colic (a precursor to kidney stones for those of you without medical inclinations - probably about 90% of you readers), so am on continuous medication currently... always have to remind myself to drink loads of water. Also, I've managed to win a prize for my third year LLB. Alhamdulillah.... apparently my name was read out at the graduation ceremony. Pity I wasn't there to receive the honour. Oh well..


It's been a great year. Looking forward to the next one, though let's hope it's less traumatic than the middle portion of 2005! =)

PS: I have an inkling that it might actually be so so so so much better... here's hoping!



Regards,

Ahmad

.:A time for repentance:.

Tomorrow is but a dream,
Will the sun rise again?
For everything is finite,
and everything will end.

This beautiful world around us
enthralls our heart and soul,
yet it will all be destroyed,
as surely as the young grow old.
Exquisite indeed is His work,
though He deems it to be temporary
For everything must fade,
in the Glory of Allah,
The Lord of Majesty and Bounty.

Ya Allah,
Will I live to see the next day?
Will I live to see another Ramadhan?
Have I repented for my sins?
Have I done enough
to earn Your forgiveness
to earn Your love?

O Lord,
Accept my longing for You,
and let me love You,
even if only as a fraction
of how You love me too.

.:True love:.

Truly this heart loves You
Truly this person yearns for You

Why then
is my love still astray,
why then,
does my longing go unrequited?

Thus so,
even if I were to present to you
the jewels of the seven seas,
thus so,
even if I were to nurture this feeling
with Your gracious bounty of the seven skies
yet my love will never come
yet my longings will remain unanswered
for as long as I do not hope
and beseech Thee for Your Mercy
For as long as I do not shed these tears
and beg for Your sympathy.

Ya Allah, please grant me Your love,
and accept my yearning heart
so that I may know
my gratitude is only
to You.

"Impractically yours, you know?"

Impractically yours,
for there is no happiness
no lingering smile
without your voice
I awake to a brighter day
a gladdened heart,
a lighter soul,
were you to sigh
contented
as we talked through the night
till the morning light.

Impractically yours,
for thoughts of you dominate my mind,
intransigently persisting
never remitting
holding dominion
over all and sundry
as complete as the rule of Rome
as overwhelming as Napoleon's battlecry
"Viva la revolucion!"
and all that jazz..

Impractically yours,
for the world separates us
with oceans and continents,
but I feel you near me,
when you infectiously giggle
at every little thing I say.

What I really meant to say
is that
I M practically yours, damn it.

.:to clarify:.

Okay, so far two guys have called me up asking whether I had proposed to someone. Hmm...

Perhaps with hindsight the previous entry may have been a bit too short. I was just too happy for words then. In any case, all I did was to ask her whether she may be in love with me, because I certainly am. And she said yes.

That’s all folks. Nothing to see here. Move along now. =)

.:Yay!:.

She said yes! =)

.:Darn it:.

Dear Ms RB,

it’s been almost two months now since I’ve gotten to know you. What am I supposed to say? You take my breath away. With your oh-so-charming mix of child-like innocence with maturity belying your tender years, you’ve managed to reduce me to a stuttering fool each and every time we talk on the phone.

Yet when we don’t talk (like today), I realize that I do miss you terribly. I miss hearing you say “assalamualaikum” in that special way that no one else seems able to replicate. I miss the way you always seem to find something good in everything that happens to you and me, the way that that contrasts so explicitly with my sometimes overarching negativity. I miss the way you tend to get embarrassed when it comes to acknowledging these feelings that I know we both have for each other. I miss the way you always seem to know how I feel, which is surprising really since even I don’t know myself that well. I miss… well… you.


.....

Damn it, woman. I think I’m in love with you.

ps: as a favour to someone who I used to love, I have deleted the previous entries which revolved around her. There will be no more references to what has happened. I think she has paid, and is continuing to pay, her dues for it. Cukuplah.

.:Ain't life grand?:.

Dear readers,

How's your day been so far? I don't think it'd be too presumptuous of me to say that most of you would probably agree with me when I say that life is grand, but only most of the time it. Unfortunately the past two days were probably the exception to the rule.

The past weekend was in truth rather harrowing for some of my friends and family. Min's having some problems of her own, and the annoying thing is I can't do much to help her out. She's always been a good friend, and it pains me not to be able to anything other than tell her that I'm always here should she need someone to talk to. On top of that, Uncle Rashid has contracted dengue; when my dad found out, me and him sped off to Shah Alam to donate blood and to be with him.. he looked scared.. kesian. I really felt sorry for him.. he's fallen into some hard times, and again, I feel like kicking myself for not being able to do anything, especially since they rejected my attempts to donate blood (claiming that my veins were not visible enough etc etc.. yadda yadda..). The sight of Narissa crying is something I don't ever want to witness again.

*You can't save the world, Ahmad. You can't. There's just not that much of you to go around to begin with..*

Yeah, tell that to this too-big-for-its-own-good heart of mine, why dontcha?

Oh.. and it worries me that I am starting to have an imaginary sidekick teling me stuff. I need to go out more. :P



Before I go, lemme just put in a special tribute to my mom. She's so worried that her bachelor son won't be able to eat a proper sahur that she prepared some frozen meals for me to bring back to KL.. not only that.. she even prepared the set menu for moi!!!! Allah... truly a mother's love is endless. As my Indonesian maid at home puts it, "sayangnya emak sampai ke mana-mana, sayangnya anak sampai ke tangga saja". She's a smart woman indeed.

Anyway, for you Muslim readers, selamat berbuka puasa!!


BAJOH: Stable at RM23.

Regards,

Ahmad

.:Trying to do the hardest thing:.

..that is, to get to know (and possibly learn to like) myself. Hence the personality tests.

Big Five Test Results

Extroversion (36%) moderately low which suggests you are reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and private. Accommodation (60%) moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly kind natured, trusting, and helpful at the expense of your own individual development (martyr complex). Orderliness (68%) moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly organized, neat, structured and restrained at the expense too often of flexibility, variety, spontaneity, and fun. Emotional Stability (36%) moderately low which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious. Inquisitiveness (56%) moderately high which suggests you are intellectual, curious, imaginative but possibly not very practical.

from similarminds.com

Kind of rings a bell or two huh?

.:Politics:.

Apparently I'm a borderline social democrat..

You are a Social Moderate (55% permissive) and an... Economic Liberal (18% permissive) You are best described as a: Democrat Link: The Politics Test on OkCupid Free Online Dating Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

.:Idleness:.

As I’m sitting here in front of the same computer screen I’ve been staring at since 6.45 am this morning (exactly 14.5 hours ago), I can’t help but feel down. I feel like whinging, but I know my life is, apart from the relationship side, actually in a relatively good place. Having said that, I’ve always been a person who puts a lot of emphasis on my personal relationship side so I guess there’s a hollowness there that continuously bugs me whenever I’m idle. Like I am now.

Oh well… like they say, idle research assistants beget the devil.. or something like that.. I’m kinda befuddled to be honest. Am simply too effin’ tired.

A man walks up to a bar and says:
"This ain’t a joke."

Ha
Ha
Ha
Ha

Are you laughing or are you f
a
l
l
i
n
g

down?

I’m going nuts.. OOO NUTS!!

.:The horror:.

As I stepped out of the lift, my thoughts deeply mired in the report due on Friday, I began to walk slowly towards my flat. It’s been a tiring day, and I was looking forward to a little exercise, a nice hot shower, some dinner, and finally some sleep.

Suddenly I saw a fleeting shadow move from the corner of my eyes. I didn’t know what to make of it. Was it just a stray cat? It couldn’t be. It was much too big to be a cat… it was more man-sized, but it had a rather feminine shape to it. I prayed to God that it wasn’t what I thought it was. I quickly reached for my keys and tried to open the door quickly. I heard the door behind me open. I was ready to scream my lungs out…

“Oi Ani! Boyfriend kau dah balik!!”

Sheesh.. it was only the girls from the unit opposite mine.

“Bang, boleh pinjam paper last weekend tak? Kitorang tak baca lagi…” said the girl who I can only presume to be Ani.

Best pick-up line ever, man…

.:Be happy!:.

"(Allah) Most Gracious!
It is He Who has taught the Qur'an
He has created man:
He has taught him speech (and intelligence)
The sun and the moon follow courses (exactly) computed
And the herbs and the trees - both (alike) prostrate in adoration.
And the Firmament has He raised high, and He has set up the Balance (of Justice),
In order that ye may not transgress (due) balance.
So establish weight with justice and fall not short in the balance.
It is He Who has spread out the earth for (His) creatures:
Wherein are fruit and sheathed palm-trees,
Also corn, with (its) leaves and stalk for fodder, and sweet-smelling plants
Then which of the favours of your Lord will ye deny?"
- Ar Rahman (1-13)

.:The Depressed Men's Guide to Kuala Lumpur:. Part I.I

The following is a work of fiction, very loosely based on my own experiences. Okay, not VERY loosely. But still loosely.




As I put down the phone, my life flashed before my eyes. To be honest, it wasn’t a very long show, but man, it certainly jerked a tear or two (Okay, I gushed. But in a manly way. Really). Images of the times we spent together, the times when we used to rent DVDs and watch them over in her house back in London, the times we spent walking in Hyde Park, holding hands like all young couples do.

I couldn’t move. I couldn’t breathe. When she told me that it was over, that she was leaving me for a former friend, I couldn’t believe it. Not again. Not after all that I’ve been through, the promises that I made to myself, to never again be hurt this way. Not after all the shit I had to put up with, her being the insecure person that she was. She’s changed, that’s for sure. She’s no longer the person she was before. Boy, did she make that clear.

I was stunned. What was I to do? For days I spent my miserable waking hours drowning in tubs of Phish Food (okay, not tubs, but vats). The local grocery store must think I’m some manna from heaven, bringing them luck and good fortune as I drifted my way into the store with a serene smile that comes from consuming about three gallons of ice-cream in two hours, my hands holding two pieces of ten-ringgit notes as I grabbed the nearest (or the two nearest) half gallon bucket (or two) of Phish Food.

As I sat in front of the TV, my t-shirt stained pink from the drippings, I gave a loud belch. Big mistake. Streams of semi-digested ice-cream, which had previously been, well, digesting peacefully in the flabby depths of my stomach, suddenly decided to make a rush for the exits. Unfortunately for me, they all went the wrong way. “Duhh.. let’s all rush out together! Which door should we go for, huh? Duhh.. I can’t read, but I’m pretty sure ‘M-O-U-T-H” spells Exit!!”

Darned semi-digested (yet imaginary) ice-cream rednecks.

To cut a long story short (was it that long a story to begin with?), my face ended up in a bowl which, truth be told, was never actually designed for the human face (it was actually designed for another, less fascinating aspect of the human anatomy. Okay. Correction. For most people, that side of the human anatomy is not fascinating; there are some men, however, who find it terribly interesting. These men usually provoke a very strong reaction from other men, usually manifesting itself in lightning quick sprints in the opposite direction, away from the former).

My gut hurt. My heart hurt. Heck, my head hurts, primarily due to the restrictive nature of the (ahem) ‘bowl’. It was then that I decided that I had to move on. I had to pick up the pieces of this so-called life of mine and try to make it on my own. I had no other choice, really. What else was I going to do? Go on eating tub after tub of ice-cream, growing old and fat, losing my job because I was so fat that I couldn’t get out of the house, becoming a shut-in living on cans of pre-packed pasta? Heck, no! I’m a man! I’ll find another girl! Me no scared! Me Grog! Me have big stick! Muahahaha!

My primeval spirits were roused. I was ready to take on the world. But first…

I have to figure out how to get my head out of the toilet bowl. Hmmm…

.:Al-Inshirah (Solace):.

In the name of Allah, the Most Beneficient, Most Merciful:

"Have we not expanded for thee thy breast?
And removed from thee thy burden,
which did gall thy back?
And raised high the esteem in which thou is held?
So verily, with every difficulty there is relief,
Verily, with every difficulty there is relief,
Therefore, when thou art free (from thy troubles) still labour hard
And to thy Lord turn all thy attention.."

Note to self: It hurts. Yes it does. But you're still breathing aren't you? One day, you'll be okay. One day, you'll be happier than you ever were with her. Till that day comes, though, just keep breathing. A day at a time. A breath at a time.

BAJOH count: RM5.. Great!!